Mood:
chillin'Topic: HOW TO SAY NO
GAMES PEOPLE PLAY
Tired of being the go for girl? Weary of being a “Yes” girl? Here are some tips on how to master and control the art of a gracious turndown and gaining control of your personal time.
Why is it so hard for us to say the word “NO”? And how, if you have difficulty using it, do you learn to say the word?
Most women find it very hard to say no and to set limits on what they do for others! It probably goes back to when we were little girls snuggling with our stuffed animals and you learned what taking care of others was all about. You watched your Grandmother do it, and you watched your Mom do it and probably you were raised to do it too. We, as women are mostly conditioned to project the welcoming and all encompassing aura of giving people what they need and want and feeling guilty if they do not. We find it hard to hurt people’s feelings or alienate them by rejecting their requests. It is a constant search for validation, for approval.
A friend of mine cannot bear the idea of disappointing or letting down her Mom with a “no.” Her Mom typically drops in, unannounced to have coffee or lunch. Just recently, instead of telling her that she could not spare the time because she had to pack for a trip, my friend actually hid it from her own mother. When she saw her Mom approaching the back door, she crouched down and hid behind the kitchen counter, fearing condemnation and reproach far more than deceit. She is probably an extreme case but the whole point is that many of us do whatever we can do to avoid saying no, often to our own distress, misgivings and detriment. Indeed, many of us agree to things we simply loathe doing and beat ourselves up later for agreeing to do so. It is vital to remember that there are lots of good reasons to just say “NO” and that not one of them is laziness, selfishness, or meanness of spirit.
Saying yes all the times puts you on overload. It binds you down with stress. It is because you are letting everybody else choose the activities that fill your time.
No matter what kind of ace you are at nurturing others, you should learn to set your own limits. You have to admit to yourself that you cannot meet everybody’s needs and that you should not be expected to. This does not make you a bad wife, mother, daughter, co worker or friend.
Try to make certain that the requests you agree to match your priorities, so that you genuinely enjoy pitching in instead of doing out of a sense of obligation and guilt.
Are you willing to neglect your own needs just so a person will like you? Remind yourself daily that you do not have to say yes to anybody, because you have someone else to say YES TO AND THAT’S Y O U!
HOW TO SAY NO
STALLING
“Gosh, the project sounds wonderful but let me get back to you. I am sure that our calendar is filled up and as much as I would like to help, my family comes first.”
The Partial No
This method is a good compromise if you don't feel right delivering a blanket "no" to someone.
You can say, “Gee, I would love to tend the bake sale table all day but I am booked. I can, however, help out between two and three pm.”
THE “DIRECT NO”
A short explanation for your refusal - as in, "...because I have to help brother out that day" makes your busyness sound legitimate.
The Wistful No
You'll like this tactic if you're naturally effusive and eager to show people how helpful you wish to be. You could handle it this way. “I love animals and love your dog, but I have a commitment, as much as I would love to take care of Rusty.”
The Empathetic No
If you pride yourself on maintaining a strong emotional connection with people, says McClure, this strategy allows you to have your cake and eat it too. You show the asker how I-feel-your-pain in sync you are with her even as you're turning her down. Example: "I can see that you really need someone to water your potted plants while you're away in the month of August. I know that these plants mean a lot to you. Unfortunately, I'm just too busy at that time to take care of them properly."
The Stealth No
If you get really nervous at the thought of turning someone down face-to-face, use this technique. Simply call at a time when you're pretty sure she won't be home and leave a polite message expressing your regrets on her answering machine.
The Sympathy-Card No
If you're overwhelmed (with obligations, exhaustion, illness, pain) and you're comfortable letting everyone know that, go for this tactic. They may walk away feeling sorry for you after you've said something like, "I'd help you, but I'm just swamped these days. I can barely keep food in the fridge." It will make them think twice about asking you.
Remember, it’s your life. You can be the “Yes” girl and become a slave to others whims, requests and desires. Or you can stand up for yourself and value yourself enough to insist you retain your own agenda and quality of time for yourself. And, you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
Life is one long series of lessons. Protect your health by protecting your quality of life.
Skye H
WELLNESS TRAIN MAIN SITE
WT HEALING STATION NEWSLETTER FALL EDITION
Posted by drskye
at 9:49 AM EDT
